


holding onto nothing

by larrylostboys



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Babies, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 17:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrylostboys/pseuds/larrylostboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry’s babies are born…two months premature</p>
            </blockquote>





	holding onto nothing

**Author's Note:**

> this is such shit i apologize

"Harry."  
Louis was met with nothing but snores from his husband of two years.  
"Harry."  
He reached down to shake Harry's shoulder.  
"Harry!"  
Harry was jolted awake by the urgency of Louis' voice.  
"Hm? Wassgoinon?" He mumbled as he sat upright, voice thick with sleep.

"It's Gemma. She's in labor."

At this, Harry sat straight up in the bed, suddenly in panic mode.

"She's not due for two months!" he remarked, worst-case scenarios running through his head. He gasped in realization, "Lou. The babies."  
Louis nodded sadly, holding out a coat for Harry to slip into.  
"I know, love. That's why we've got to get to the hospital as soon as possible."

**

The car ride was tense. Louis drove at seemingly ten times the speed limit while Harry sat in silence, thinking.

Louis always told him to look on the bright side, find the positives in a horrible situation. It was hard, though, when your reasons to live for the past seven months were at risk of death.

The nursery was already painted and furnished. With tears in his eyes threatening to spill over, Harry imagined the room set up for two beautiful babies he might never get the chance to bring home.

**

The harsh fluorescent light of the hospital did nothing to put Harry's mind at ease, racing as he made his way to the maternity ward.

After checking in at the front desk, the nurse told the couple that they were unable to see Gemma or until after delivery.

Louis took Harry's hand and led him to the waiting area, where they found a couch to sit on.

Louis pulled Harry into his side as he carded a hand through his husband's curls.

They both stared straight ahead, lost in their minds, swimming with thoughts of "what if"s and "why us?"

Louis tightened his grip around Harry, rubbing circles into his back with his free hand as Harry's body began to tremble.

Harry nuzzled his face into Louis' shoulder as the tears started to escape.

"I don't want to lose my babies," he let out with a choked sob.  
"I just don't want to lose my babies."

"I know, darling," Louis whispered into his hair as he kissed the top of his head. "I know."

**  
It had been hours since arriving at the hospital. Anne had since joined them, chewing nervously at her nails as she sat beside her son and his husband as they all awaited any news.

Finally, a doctor came out with a solemn look on his face, and all three snapped to attention.

"Mrs.Cox, Mr. and Mr. Tomlinson?" he paused, flipping through the clipboard in his hands.

"Ms. Styles is in stable condition. The twins made it through the delivery, but we've got them both in the NICU trying to stabilize their heart rates, among other things." He cleared his throat.  
"We're uh…we're doing our best, but. At this point the chance of survival is looking pretty slim."

Louis swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to keep up the brave façade he was wearing for Harry's sake.

Harry on the other hand, doubled over with his face in his hands. He felt his shoulders begin to shake as he sobbed openly, suddenly not conscious of the world around him.

The doctor cleared his throat again, clearly not sure how best to approach this situation.

"Yes, well. You can visit Ms. Styles or see the twins now, if you'd like."

**

"Gemma?" Harry peered into the hospital room, as Louis trailed closely behind him.

Gemma turned her head to look at them, her face pale and glistening with sweat.

"I'm so sorry," she croaked, voice coming out weak.

"For what, love?" Louis inquired, taking one of her hands in his own.

Gemma closed her eyes.

"I didn't try hard enough. I did everything to keep these babies safe…" she opened her eyes, now wet with tears. "But everything wasn't enough."

Harry sighed, leaning down to plant a kiss on her temple.

"Don't think that way, Gem. Whatever…whatever happens, with the twins," he swallowed, trying not to let his mind wander to the darker of possibilities. "You've done so much already. I, we, can never repay you for what you've done for us."

Gemma smiled weakly and squeezed Louis' hand.

"Anything for my baby brother."

**

After they'd left Gemma to get some rest, Harry and Louis found themselves walking hand in hand, making the inevitable journey to the intensive care unit to meet their babies.

They met a nurse, who led them to the incubators where their little ones were.

"God…" Louis breathed, looking down at his little boy and girl.

They were unbelievably small. Louis marveled at how fragile they looked, as if, should he reach out and touch them, they might break.

The nurse smiled at them with a sad look in her eyes.

"What are their names?" She called to the couple.

Harry forced a smile as he looked up at her.

"Charlie and Grace."

Louis squeezed his husband's waist, knowing that this was just as hard for Harry as it was for him.

Louis bent down in front of little Charlie's space, and Harry in front of Grace's.

"Hello, my sweet boy," Louis cooed, setting his fingers against the cool glass. "I'm your papa. Daddy and I are here to take you home."

He wiped at his eyes as his first tears of the night began trickling out slowly.

"We just need you to get a little bit better first."

Louis sniffed and looked over at Harry, pressed in front of their daughter's incubator.

"Hi, princess," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "You're so beautiful, baby girl."  
Harry stared at Grace, absentmindedly tracing shapes on the glass next to her.

"Anyway, I just really need you to get better. Can you do that for me, sweetheart? Can you get better for daddy?"

Louis' heart broke as he watched Harry beg their daughter to survive for him, something that neither of them knew for sure would happen.

**

Louis had been pretending all day, pretending to be okay, pretending he was sure his twins would be okay, pretending he was the strong one for Harry's sake.

But the breakdown came.

They were lying in bed after a nurse had advised them to go home and get some rest.

Neither of them got any sleep, though. They both lay silently wrapped in each others' arms.

"God, Harry."

"Mm?"

Louis leaned into Harry as sobs shook his body.

"They're going to die. M-my baby girl and my little boy are going to die a-and…I never even got to fucking hold them!"

Harry turned, tears forming in his eyes as he looked into Louis'.

"They're not, baby." Harry said as he ran his fingers lightly down Louis' sides. "They're half Tomlinson and half Styles…we've got two little fighters on our hands."

Louis bit his lip, unconvinced.

"I hope you're right. It's not fair, Harry. It isn't fucking fair."

So they stayed that way, Harry holding Louis as he mumbled "it's not fair" until sleep consumed them.

**

Two weeks of tears, hospital visits, and inconsistent sleeping habits later, the hospital called with the news.

"Mr. Harry Tomlinson?"

"Speaking,"

"Yes, Mr. Tomlinson. We are calling to inform you that the twins have been making great progress with their health. We'd like to monitor them for another day or two, and after that they should be clear for release!"

Harry felt his mouth go dry, not believing his ears.

"Wow, uh. Thank you, that's, wow. Thank you so much. Goodbye."

After hanging up the phone, Harry clasped a hand over his mouth and slid down the wall behind him, slowly. Pulling out his cell phone, he sent a group message to Louis and the three other boys he still called his best friends.

"Hospital called - all clear. Little boy and girl are coming home!! :) x"

**  
__________two days later________

"Harry? HARRY! Harryharryharryharry pleeeeease wake up!"

Harry opened one eye, glaring at Louis who was jumping on top of Harry in bed.

"Leave m'alone"

Louis rolled his eyes as he crawled up the bed, putting himself eye level with Harry.

He moved a hair out of Harry's eye, voice taking on a softer tone.

"Hey," he stroked his thumb along Harry's cheekbone. "C'mon sweetheart. We're going to get our babies."

Harry's eyes shot open and he scrambled out of bed, as if he had forgotten what their plans for the day were.

Completely disregarding the fact he was still in his pajamas, he grabbed Louis' hand and pulled him, racing to the car as fast as he could.

**

"Name please?"

"Louis and Harry Tomlinson"

Louis felt Harry's hand shaking in his own and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Right, Grace and Charlie Tomlinson? The nurses are just making any last minute observations and setting the babies up to go home, you'll be called in when everything's all ready to go."

Louis gave a nod, barely listening to a word the receptionist had said. His mind was chanting a litany of "babiesbabiesbabies" and "homehomehome"

Minutes later, Louis found himself gripping Harry's hand like a lifeline as they walked back to the NICU for, hopefully, the last time.

When they arrived, the babies were bundled up with little beanies and wrapped in blankets, each baby fastened into a carrier for the ride home.

Louis listened carefully as the nurse went over precautionary measures and checkup dates, but Harry was in a trance.

He kneeled in front of the babies, completely awestruck.

"Oh my God…" he breathed when Charlie and Grace simultaneously looked up at him, revealing two sets of big, glistening blue eyes.

He reached out to his newborn son and daughter, letting out a shaky breath when Grace wrapped her tiny fingers around his index finger.

Keeping his hand in place for her, he unbuckled her seat in order to hold her for the first time.

He pulled her into his arms, making sure to cradle her head with one hand.

Grace looked up at him, and Harry thought to himself that he'd never seen such a beautiful baby girl in his life.

"Hi Gracie-Grace. I'm your daddy." He paused, smiling as she snuggled further into his embrace.

"I love you and your brother more than anything else. That's your papa," he said, nodding over to where Louis was now standing with Charlie.

"He loves you so much, little girl. So does Auntie Gemma, and Grandma Anne, and Aunt Lottie, Aunt Fizzy, Aunt Phoebe, Aunt Daisy, Grandma Jay, Uncle Liam, Uncle Zayn, Uncle Niall," he looked down at Grace, who blinked at him. He laughed,  
"I know, sweetheart. You've got an awfully big family. The whole wide world loves you,"

"Ready to go?" Louis asked, resting his hand on the small of Harry' back.

Harry nodded, placing Grace gently back in her carrier and strapping her in.

 

______ONE YEAR LATER______

 

Harry wakes up to the sound of crying over the baby monitor.

"Mmph," Louis mumbles into his pillow.

"I know, I know. I got this one. Go back to sleep, babe."

Louis turns to kiss Harry's cheek appreciatively before rolling over to get more sleep.

Harry stands, cracking his spine before walking down the hall to the nursery.

"Good morning, sunshine!" He coos as he ducks into the twins' room.

"Dada!!!" Grace shrieks, sitting up when she recognizes Harry above her crib.

He reaches down and lifts her up, resting her on his hip.

"Hello beautiful," he smiles, bumping her nose gently with his own in an Eskimo kiss.

"Do you know what today is, princess?" She blinks up at him.

"It's your very first birthday, sweetheart."

She smiles up at him, though probably totally oblivious to what he was trying to tell her.

He brings her over to the closet, slowly flipping through the options.

"What does the birthday girl want to wear, hm?"

Grace reaches out for a purple dress with her chubby hands grabbing at the air.

Harry kisses the top of her head, smiling, as he takes it off the rack for her.

After changing her, he sets her in the twins' playpen in the corner of the room until Charlie is ready for the day.

He walks to the opposite side of the room where Charlie's crib is.

Harry gently scoops a sleeping  
Charlie into his arms, rocking slowly to wake him up.

Charlie opens his eyes, blinking up at Harry.

"Morning sleepy boy,"

Charlie nuzzles his head into Harry's neck. Harry laughs, kissing his downy head of hair.

"I love you, little monkey," he coos, smiling down at Charlie.  
"Happy birthday."

He walks back over to the closet, picking out a purple baby polo to match Grace's dress ("what's the point of having twins if you don't match their clothes?" Louis had once pondered, much to Harry's amusement.)

"Alright little ones," Harry calls, pulling Grace back up in his arm, resting a twin on each hip. "Let's go have breakfast, yeah?"

**

Louis walks in with a cuppa when the twins are all set up in their high chairs at the dining room table.

Louis takes his seat next to Grace. "Morning, princess"

"Hi papa!!" Grace yells, waving enthusiastically at Louis.

"I was talking to your daddy," Louis jokes, ruffling Grace's hair as Harry shakes his head, chuckling.

"Mornin', babe" Harry calls from his place at the stove where he cooks Louis his omelette.

Louis chuckles at the sight of Harry wearing an apron, standing at the stove and cooking.

"Such a lovely housewife"

Harry turns and shoots Louis a warning look, but laughs regardless.

The twins are wiggling in their seats and reaching up for their parents when they've finished eating.

Once the little ones are out of their seats and settled on the floor of their playroom playing with some toys, Louis turns his attention back to his husband.

He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around Harry's waist. "Game plan?" He asks, hooking his chin over his husband's shoulder.

Harry turns, linking his arms around Louis' neck.

"We've got a few hours to kill. Then the boys'll be here. Lou's bringing Lux to keep the little ones busy while we get ready, then it's party time!"

Louis nods. He leans his forehead against Harry's, closing his eyes.

"When did I blink and let a year go by?"

Harry hums empathetically.

"I ask myself the same thing. They're still only babies. Just savor it while it lasts, yeah?"

Louis nods again, thinking about how much has happened in a year.

He vividly remembers sitting in the dark, chewing his nails down to the quick waiting to hear whether or not his frail newborn babies would make if through the night.

He remembers the sobs ripped from his and Harry's throats and the harsh beeping of a machine as Grace flatlined for the first time.

Grace, who is now a gorgeous one-year-old who finds the beauty in everything and never stops smiling.

Charlie, who laughs every day and seems to love every single moment of his life, the life he was on the verge of losing.

Harry watches as Louis' eyes go a bit glassy and pulls him into a tight hug.

"It's a bit much, isn't it?" Harry mumbles into Louis' ear.

Louis nuzzles his face into the crook of Harry's neck.

"We almost lost them and I cannot imagine my life without them, I can't."

Harry smiles and rubs Louis' back slowly.

"I know, I can't either. But we don't have to, right? Because they're one year old already and they're safe and healthy and lovely and…I think a family cuddle is in order."

**

Harry carries Grace on one hip and Louis carries Charlie to their bedroom.

It's always nice spending time together as a family, going out to eat or to the movies, even just playing with toys or hide and seek around the house. This is different, though.

This is Harry's absolute favorite, though he's always been a fairly cuddly person.

He loves the weight of a sleepy baby on his chest, the warmth of his husband next to him with their fingers intertwined and a second sleeping baby positioned in between them.

He loves the gentle rise and fall of Grace's chest as she curls her tiny fists around the fabric of his t-shirt and snuggles into him subconsciously in her sleep.

He loves seeing the pure love in Louis' eyes as he looks down at Charlie, planting a kiss on the top of his soft head.

Most of all, he loves how it feels, being surrounded by the three people he would take a bullet for, loves more than anything or anyone else in the world.

Despite the fame and success that  
Harry had previously thought was all he'd ever need, there was always something missing. Then he fell in love with Louis, and although that was amazing and filled a massive hole in his heart, there was still an ache, a feeling in the back of his mind that told him something was still missing.

Lying here in bed with Louis' fingers wrapped around his own and two absolutely perfect children all snuggled up around each other in the bed where they are all drifting off to sleep, Harry knows.

This is what it feels like- he's complete.


End file.
